Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
