My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
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