if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Randomize
