Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
