Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
