at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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