i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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