I think scott just propositioned me for sex
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
