Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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