I can feel you judging me through the phone.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
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