i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.