I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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