I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
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