U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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