ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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