I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Your mouth is God's brothel.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
You took a bar mat shot.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
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