he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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