my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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