Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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