I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Someone shattered a urinal.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
