Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
