gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
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