She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
