The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
