I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I am puke
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
