Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Randomize
