You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Randomize
