Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Randomize
