I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
