Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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