3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
mondays should just be called national damage control day
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
