I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Randomize
