so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
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