I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
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