i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
My dick has a subreddit
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
