Jerry, you need to find god
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
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