I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
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