explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
my nose is crying tears of wow.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
