well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
