So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I need a beard to bite.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
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