just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Randomize
