We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
