so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Randomize
