I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
