UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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