I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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