sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
