Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
