My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
