Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Randomize
