Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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