Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
