come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
