Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Randomize
