Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
27 Drunk People That Pissed Off The Cops And Got What They Deserved
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
These 25 Soulless Industries Have Been Scamming Us For Years
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.