I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
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i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
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Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.