they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.