I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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