just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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