yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
