Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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