my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Randomize
