The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
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I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
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After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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