Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
