I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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